Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.