Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
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I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.