I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
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I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Yeah. This was me today.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing