<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
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He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
i’m still crying at this