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Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
absolute chaos
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
do what now??
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER