[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
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Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?