[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
can’t talk my ride’s here
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.