MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
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I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.