Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Same pineapple, same
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”