The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
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Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Think I pulled my liver
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
lost dog
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.