[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
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Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
This squirrel eats better than I do
This makes total sense…
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?