A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
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*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household