business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
that de-escalated quickly