i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
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Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.