DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”