Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”