I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
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Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Tell me you get it…🤣
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces