*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
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People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Had an epiphany today.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.