[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
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[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Don’t snitch tag.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Feels like the fourth month in January
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year