Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
that de-escalated quickly
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.