All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
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My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My favorite female superhero