*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Bros before Ohioes
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.