You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
You Might Also Like
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that