People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky