her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
what day is it?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I think my mom just blocked me