someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Need this in my life lol
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.