[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
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Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs