That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*