Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
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“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
This why you should mind your business
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do