Rich People Podcasts are wild.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Important
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Tik Tok is a national treasure.