time machine? you mean a clock?
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Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
…u ok Nintendo?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.