Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
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[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
i think both sides are to blame here
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Very good news from my accountant
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first