Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.