I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Quadruple digit IQ
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.