End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.