If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot