Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.