Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all