hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
You Might Also Like
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
all bases covered
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR