My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
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It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.