Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
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[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…