Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
So inspired right now.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.