My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
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my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
somebody come look at this
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Nice try, NASA
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.