Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
You Might Also Like
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for