@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“The Perfect Relationship”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t