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It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
The future is now.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what