(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
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I beg your pardon?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.