It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
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Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
the Monday after daylight savings
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”