My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
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Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”