[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
What a chick magnet..
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.